urbanparadigm's Xanga

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Tue, 05 May 2009 17:23:50 GMT

All I want right now is the sun and the sea.

I got the summer fever.

Or the river. Water and light. Sleepy sun. Friends. No. Worries.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:35:57 GMT

I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

Oh, Kurt. Bingo.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 23:34:17 GMT

Whenever I think that some idea or act is particularly outlandish. Or that our actions some day may wrack our bodies and minds. Or that a single bit of compassion to someone completely undeserving isn't worth it. Or that sometimes the very nature of cruelty has no lack of worth, either. That any extreme, or even simple mediocrity, is wholly right or wrong or ambiguous...

I hold on to the simple fact that we're not gonna make it out of here alive.

I would like think that I lived this life as a human - in all its imperfections, and that I deserved this life. My fingers squeezed every ounce of juice from the lemons given us. I loved, maybe even hated, but knew that I felt. I am real. I hurt and I bleed and I laugh and I smile.

A regular fucking, Pinocchio.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 05:12:45 GMT

"It's your little red wagon and you gotta pull it."

That's what he said. It was mine. A fiery chariot filled with dreams of a place far away. A land where people smiled from castles made of air - tall and intangible. Bricks made of whispers and wonders. The mortar mixed from laughter and light.

The wheels were squeaky, but the rust was nothing to my childish mind. Imagination was the oil of my steed. Cracks in the concrete became great chasms, but my will alone flew us across their weed entangled maw with the methodical chant of my magics - kathunk, kathunk.

I filled the red lipped ends with promises of quiet tomorrows - a glittering sword that gave strength and power to an otherwise weak, sad, tiny little boy with too much brain. Duct tape and a little perception created the sharpest blade. All of that and a metallic shield that once contained the garbage of my enemies, but now protected me from them.

It all rested at the bend of the block. That is where the threshold lay.

And he said, "It's your little red wagon and you gotta pull it."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 19:07:23 GMT

time scares the shit out of me.

today is tomorrow is yesterday is last week is last year. so much is dictated by appointments and meetings and calendars and holidays and workdays and deadlines and eight to fives and fuckmerunning it is already three.

it is not so much as killing time as killing our lives. our bodies are just ticking time bombs. ticktickticktick until the battery runs out. our excuse is always that there isn't enough.

there is never enough time. i would, but i can't fit it in my schedule. i can't spare five minutes, i have too much to do.

yet, we have all the time in the world. we have the rest of our lives. every day. every minute. every single millisecond is the beginning of our life. it is always new. it is always fresh. until - we reach the end.

seven minutes gone, and a lifetime still to go.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 23:18:02 GMT

"it just is what it is." how odd is that phrase? funnier to even consider that i've dubbed it as my miniature theme of - Is As Is.

What is it then, really? What is the gray? What is black and white? Why must human nature strive to place everything in card catalogs and tasteless, drab, manila folders?

I also find it odd how easy it is for some people to forgive others, and yet be so unforgiving yourself. We put out excuse after excuse for things and people just accept them. Or, we allow ourselves to continue being cowardly and thinking up the next line of reasoning.

God, it's a beautiful day outside. There have been several beautiful days. But what about the not beautiful ones? Do we just consider them "any less of a day," because there are clouds instead of sunshine? A day is still a day. 24 hours of time. We always complain that we never have enough time, but we just let it slip away... in those days between the 'beautiful' ones.

Lots of thoughts. Not much reason. Thinking I need to outlet again. This is a good dump write. Like - brain diarrhea. Just shit out all the fuzz and the clutter and try to find some clarity.

There's a nice breeze from the window. It's cool. It's soft.

God, it's a beautiful day outside.

My new favorite thing: getting in my truck, driving down the parkway with my windows down and just letting the sun shine on my face and my music play. Often, I'll wink at the soccer moms, or quickly cut off a grumpy older man to at least spark an emotional response. Any response. Stimulation. The ways we react. When I hit a stoplight I like to look at people in their cars. They think they're invisible to the world when they are in them. Some sing. Some pick their nose.

... and some. just. siiit.

those are the ones that hurt my heart. So I turn up my music just a little bit louder, and maybe flash them a smile in their rear view mirror. More often than not, they choose to look away. I find that people don't like eye contact. It scares them. Sometimes, I like to walk down a sidewalk and just LOOK. I dare them to meet my eyes and just hold that gaze for longer than a second. It's like a terrible game of chicken without the bloody outcome if both parties win. Except this time ... when you both win, you get this surge of knowing that you genuinely looked at someone.

And they looked back.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 21:28:54 GMT

Spring Awakening.

I get to seeeeee it.

Wee.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 17:00:05 GMT

2009.

I feel like ushering this year in slowly. No grand expectations of greatness. Take it day by day and ponder the simple things. Simple pondering is my favorite. It's like taking the pure goodness of breakfast with friends after a night of debauchery. Or watching a tree. Or the warmth and comfort of an empty bed. A year of no complexity. I have a habit of determining themes for semesters, periods of time, phases in my life...

This year shall be ... "Is as is."

Things are just what they are. I am what I am. People are themselves - beautiful, simple, uncomplicated selves. That one might be difficult, though. Uncomplicated people. But hey, "Is as is," right? I'll just take the simple bits: a laugh, a hug, the phone call to say "How are you?"

Hm. Maybe it will work.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 15:17:42 GMT

“Much good it has ever done you,” said Scrooge. “There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say,” returned the nephew. “Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round – apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that – as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time. The only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!”

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 15:26:35 GMT

Milow - Ayo Technology (Music Video)